In the early days of caring for my clients a postpartum doula, one of the topics that frequently comes up with my new moms is visitors. When to have them, how to handle it, and often times just venting about a visit that was exhausting or frustrating. In these discussions there is alway a common theme – that every visitor is there to take their turn to hold the baby.

The reality is that when someone you love welcomes a new baby, it’s natural to want to visit, bring gifts, and—let’s be honest—hold that delicious newborn. But here’s the truth: while baby cuddles are sweet, the best way to show up for a new mom isn’t always about holding the baby.

In fact, the most meaningful support often looks like caring for the mother so she can rest, recover, and bond with her baby on her terms.

Here are thoughtful, respectful ways you can be the postpartum visitor everyone wants—without even asking to hold the baby.

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1. Do a Chore Without Asking

Walk in, wash the dishes in the sink, fold laundry, sweep the floor, or take out the trash. Don’t say, “Let me know if you need anything.” Just do something helpful.

Why it matters: Giving birth and caring for a newborn is physically and mentally exhausted. Small tasks can feel overwhelming. Lightening the new mom’s load speaks volumes.

2. Bring Nourishing Food (That Doesn’t Need Prep)

Drop off a meal, nourishing snacks, cut-up fruit, or something she can eat with one hand. Put it in a container that doesn’t need to be returned. Avoid foods like salads with raw veggies that are hard for a recovering body to process and instead make things like soups with nourishing broths that help restore. Pro tip: everyone loves to bring dinner but people often forget the need for a fortifying breakfast (I’m looking at you baked oatmeal) or a healthy snack (hello energy bites!)

Why it matters: Eating well supports healing and energy levels, but many new moms skip meals or rely on processed snacks because they’re too tired to cook.

3. Encourage Her to Shower or Nap While You Tidy Up

Offer to stay an extra 30–45 minutes—not to chat or hold the baby, but to watch the house while she takes a hot shower or grabs a nap.

Why it matters: These simple acts of self-care can feel luxurious in the early weeks and help new moms pay attention to their bodies and settle their minds.

4. Ask How She’s Doing—and Really Listen

Skip the baby questions and gently ask, “How are YOU feeling today?” Then listen with compassion. No advice. No comparisons. Just presence.

Why it matters: New moms often feel invisible after birth. Being asked about her emotions and experiences helps her feel seen and validated. Questions about how often the baby is sleeping or eating can put new moms on the defense.

5. Keep the Visit Short and Sweet

Unless she invites you to stay longer, limit your visit to about an hour. If this is a hospital visit, even shorter! If she seems tired, say goodbye early and offer to come back another time.

Why it matters: Rest is critical for postpartum recovery. Long visits—even with the best intentions—can be draining.

6. Send Encouraging Texts (Without Expecting a Reply)

Let her know she’s doing an amazing job. Tell her you’re thinking of her. Remind her she’s not alone. And don’t expect a response.

Why it matters: Emotional support doesn’t have to happen face-to-face. Reminders that a new mom is loved can be a lifeline on hard days.

7. Avoid wearing perfumes or cologne

Avoid wearing scents when visiting. Newborns are sensitive, and many postpartum moms have heightened senses or scent aversions.

Why it matters: Fragrances can be overwhelming or trigger nausea, or headaches. It’s a small act of care with a big impact.

8. Respect Her Boundaries

Don’t show up unannounced. Don’t kiss the baby. Don’t stay too long. Don’t take it personally if she cancels last-minute.

Why it matters: She’s healing, adjusting, and doing her best. Every mother has a different comfort level with what feels right for her. Showing her that she’s in the driver’s seat and that you respect her boundaries can help ease any anxieties or unease that she’s experiencing.

Final Thoughts

Being a good postpartum visitor isn’t about holding the baby. It’s about holding space—for the mother’s healing, for her emotions, and for this incredibly tender chapter in her life.So the next time you visit a new mom, show up with compassion, not expectations. Help without fanfare. Love her through action. And let her know: you see her, too.

For more tips on visiting a new mom, check out this article:
A Guide to Visiting the New Mother, that They Wish They Could Tell You Themselves